I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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