So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
