I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
