I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
