I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just gargled with NyQuil
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
