No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
