Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
