You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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