i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize