he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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