The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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