Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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