i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He? As in you personified your dick?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
