i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
