Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
