Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize