Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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