I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize