I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
