ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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