I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
