i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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