let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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