I think I died a long time ago.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
