My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
