I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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