No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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