um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
