Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
