so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
