The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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