i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
