Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
