Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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