I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
