he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
