Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm just crazy horny about you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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