She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
