Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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