Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
