What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
