Kiss
Puke
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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