well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I lost the right to judge tonight
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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