I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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