i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
