My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We need to get me chipped asap
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
