It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
