I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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