btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
