we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
