also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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