oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
