You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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