Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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