It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
