I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
