I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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