i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
