You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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