A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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