i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
