Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
