I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
