I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
