we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You left your underwear on the fireplace
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
