At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
