my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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