I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
